Dirty Little Secret

This one's floating around the cool blogs lately so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

1. Because of feminism, I broke up with my boyfriend.

I was with my last boyfriend for a long time- from high school until my 1L year of law school. We finally broke up for good last November because I'd come to realize that all of the problems I had with our relationship were directly related to the fact that he is a huge misogynist. Case in point (and the ultimate deal-breaker in the end): we went on a "break" one time, just to see other people for a while and see if it would work out in the end. During this break is when the rape/pregnancy/abortion debacle happened. After the dust settled there, I started talking with the boyfriend again about maybe getting back together. The first thing he wanted to know was if I'd slept with anyone else. I told him about what happened (actually I never told him I got pregnant, only about the whole date-rape thing), and instead of recognizing that the guy forced me to have sex with him, he treated it like I betrayed him. "How could you do that? How could you sleep with someone else? Why didn't you fight back? Why didn't you...?" And on and on. I tried explaining to him that I didn't want to do it, reassuring him that I didn't betray him, thinking that any minute he would realize and start to sympathize and be upset that something bad had happened to me. But of course that's not what happened. He was still mad at me for betraying him, for having sex with someone else, but eventually he "forgave" me and said (these are the words that haunted me): "Well at least you didn't want to." Over the next two years, as I learned and read more and more about feminism, I started to realize just how horrific that (and many many other things he did and said) really was. So I finally broke up with the jerk last year.

2. Feminism taught me to love my body.

I, like most other young women in the good ol' USofA, have struggled with body image issues since I was very young. I've spent most of my life wishing I could be thinner, taller, hotter, etc. I've hated my body for everything and for nothing. I hated the cankles, I hated the round face, I hated the pooch of my lower abdomen, I hated the fat, I hated my body. I have tried and tried, with all my might and willpower and strength, to fight that. Only very recently have I really come to accept all of those "flaws" and love my body as it is. Feminism taught me that they're not flaws. It's not my opportunity to be hot, for crying out loud, it's the vehicle through which I experience my life!

3. Now that I love my body, I want to take care of it.

As feminism taught me to reject those arbitrary beauty standards, and the reasons for the beauty standard, I came to love my body for what it can do. It gives life for christ's sake! It runs me around a tennis match, it gives eggs to women who want to bear children, it will take me through all the incredible experiences of my life. It is pretty damn amazing. Coming to feel this way about my body has motivated me take better care of my health. I can run across a beach, I can bike through a mountain trail, and I can live to do these things well into old age if I take care of it. In the past I didn't care if I filled my body with junk food or no food and was totally sedentary, as long as I could be hot. Now that my body is more than just my appearance, I can treat it right, with a goal of good health instead of good looks. Feminism inspired the health nut in me!

4. Feminism saves me tons of time.

When I don't shave my legs, or put on makeup, or dye my hair, or paint my nails, etc, I have a lot more time for other things I want to be doing! I still struggle with these things a lot actually, but every time I skip them I get a little excited in my mind about how much time I'm saving.

5. Because of feminism, I am not a mother.

Without feminism I may not have had access to abortion when I needed it, and I would be the mother to an 18 month old child right now. I can't even explain (I hope I don't need to) how huge that is! Without abortion I would not be in law school, I would still be tied to the abusive man who raped me, and I would probably be in poverty. But I'm not. I'm providing for myself and my family, I have a great job lined up after graduation, I have my whole life ahead of me. Feminism did that for me.

Poor blog, neglected for a whole month. Every time I sit down to write something I get distracted or bored or I just don't know what to write!

Getting ready to donate again pretty soon here. I'll have a day 3 test on my next cycle in a couple weeks, go on the bcps if everything looks good, start the injections on the next cycle, and retrieve mid-November. Cuts kind of close to exams but I think it should be okay. I'll be sure to update on that when things start moving along.

School has been a lot easier this semester. A bit more entertaining too. Last week in Professional Responsibility the professor totally shot down my "favorite" gunner. It was great. Prof was lecturing on something, Gunner raised her hand and made some random totally off the wall assertion about the topic, and the prof said "No. That's not right at all." And just went right back into his lecture. Heehee!

I signed up for a tennis class a few weeks ago. Once a week, one hour. The club is about 6 miles from my house so I've been riding my bike to and from class, which makes for a pretty decent workout by my out-of-shape standards. Playing with friends occasionally too, and riding the bike to school or to the store or other places like that. I actually feel like I'm getting a decent amount of exercise in my life lately. Now if I could only quit the junk food...

I've been having a hard time recently trying to figure out how to fit my feminist beliefs into my everyday life without totally alienating everyone I care about. It's stupid stuff, really. Stupid stuff that I shouldn't be debating any more. I disappoint myself; I should know better, right? That will be a post of its own some day soon though.

Promising myself to post more often now. Next up: I am a total hypocrite!

According to an email I just received from NARAL, the FDA approved the morning-after pill for otc sale this morning. Finally!

Ever seen the movie The Labyrinth? There's a part in the movie where David Bowie (as the fabulous Goblin King) tells the kidnapped child, "In 9 hours and 23 minutes, you'll be mine!" And he and all the goblins erupt into obnoxious laughter.

Just now as I began this post, that line went through my head when I tried to count down the minutes until my first class today. I heard David Bowie and the goblins laughing at me: "In 1 hour and 32 minutes, you'll be mine! Mwahahaha!!" It's rather sad. It might be even more sad that I relate my life to The Labyrinth, but eh, whatever.

So yes, today is our first day back in class. And no, I didn't do any of today's assigned reading. I'm off to a great start! I'm curious to see who will be in my classes now that we can choose our own. I'm taking all the "liberal" classes this semester so hopefully I'll be in good company. I'm equally as curious to check out the new 1L class. It will be so terribly entertaining to see them all fight through their first year. I now understand the evil smiles and maniacal laughter I saw so frequently with the 2Ls last year.

Wish me luck! Back to the grind.

Too busy to write, so I thought I would post this at least. This picture was taken the morning of retrieval on my first donation cycle. Notice the lower abdomen poof! I found it amusing.

Just a quick note to say I'm finally back in town and will get to posting again soon. Lots to do in the next couple weeks, and lots to write about!

This morning I woke up around 5am after just a few hours of restless sleep. I sat in bed just looking out the window for about half an hour before I got up and got in the shower. No scented soaps, no lotion when I got out. They say that's bad for the eggs. I got back in bed to warm up and fell back asleep for about an hour. Woke up to my alarm and got dressed. Brushed my teeth (careful not to swallow any water), put my hair back, and got dressed. I still had about an hour before I had to leave to get to the clinic, so I sat in bed and watched the news with butterflies dancing in my stomach and giant ovaries pressing on my bladder. I peed four (!) times before I finally left at 8am.

I didn't have to wait at all before they took me back. They took a urine sample to make sure the hcg shot worked (I could have told them it did, my ass hurt like hell for about two days after the stupid thing) and then they gave me two gowns! One for the front AND one for the back. How thoughtful. Strapped my legs into the fancy retrieval-stirrups (way cooler than regular stirrups) and gave me a blanket. Next the anesthesiologist came in and hooked up my drugs. As soon as she gave me the drug to put me out I started feeling reeeeally warm and tingly and lovey, and the last thing I remember is telling her that she was my favorite person ever.

I woke up to some pretty sharp pain some time later. As I was waking up, still in the druggy haze, I started talking and didn't shut up for several minutes. In retrospect I imagine that was probably really annoying... heh. I asked how many eggs they got (they hadn't even counted at that point), I told them it hurt, and why does it hurt? It didn't hurt last time. What did you do? Make it stop hurting! Where did the anesthesiologist go? I want her to come back. Did they count the eggs yet? How long do I have to stay in here? Can I eat yet? I want to go home. I want to go back to sleep. Not regular sleep either, I want that warm tingly sleep again. How many eggs? Are they still counting? It hurts! Make it stop! I'm sure the nurses just loved me. I blame the drugs.

Turns out they got 25 eggs. No wonder there's no room in there! I'm feeling outrageously sore and swollen now. Much more than after the first one. I'm also having quite a bit more bleeding than the first time too. It's interesting now being able to compare the experiences between doctors. I think I'll have to write more about that later. The pain medicine they gave me is making me sick to my stomach so I'm trying to decide right now whether I prefer nausea or stabbing sensations in the ovaries. Tough decision, that one.

I think I'll just try and go back to sleep for now. I'm going to be out of town for the next week so there may not be much posting. Not that there have been many lately anyway, but, you know. I'll be around the 6th, hopefully with a little more to say about donation numero dos.

Lots of follicles! It's like I have two little soccer balls growing in my abdomen. That's how they look on the ultrasound screen anyway. I'm feeling really big and sore already, but the emotional outbursts are becoming less frequent. So yay for that.

I found out today that I don't get to do the hcg sub-q this time... it has to be im!! No!!! I'm scared. I don't have anyone to do it for me so they showed me how to do it myself, but I'm kind of worried still. What if I hit a vein or something? It's gonna hurt! Gah!

Even though they're meanies for making me do an im injection I really like the doctor at this office. Very friendly. During my first donation everyone was really rude. They didn't tell me anything! I mean, I know this isn't for me, but I'm curious. I want to know what's going on with my body. They never told me how big the follicles were, how many there were, and even the nurse never told me the blood pressure readings! It was like they didn't want to have to talk to me at all. The worst part was that after retrieval no one even contacted me for almost three weeks. Burn! This doctor has a much better bedside manner. I'm sure the others were just as competent, but it's nice to feel like they care about you as a human and not just an egg making machine or something.

My right ovary has about five more follicles than the left ovary right now. That is really bothering me! I've always had a thing about symmetry. Faces, clothing, furniture, food, hair, bodies, designs, anything you can think of... things need to be even! I'm going nuts over this... my ovaries are uneven! Issues much?

Can I just say? I HATE FOLLISTIM. I get so ridiculously emotional, I have absolutely no control over myself. I've burst into heavy, loud, obnoxious sobbing very suddenly at two really inappropriate times since I started the injections a few days ago, and let me just tell you, it is really annoying. The second time it happened, this afternoon, I was at work talking to my boss! Luckily he knows what I'm doing so I was able to tell him it was just the hormones, no, don't mind me, not crazy, just ignore the wild crying... but still. Damn. I don't even remember what he said, but it sounded really sad to me so I just started bawling right there at his desk. I mean I went from zero to hysterics in about 1.3 seconds. Then I started laughing really hard because of how stupid it is that I am so emotional, and how funny it is that even though I know it's just the hormones I still can't control it... so there I am in the boss's office alternating between hysterical crying and cracking up laughing. Almost simultaneously, if it's possible. Of course, he (and everyone else) thought it was just hilarious. Me? I think it sucks. Bad.

End rant. Going to bed to pout.

Tomorrow night after work we're all going to Boss's house for a carne asada. Woohoo! Everyone is bringing something to eat, but I am a terrible cook so I decided to make pinatas instead... hehehe. When I was in grade school we used to make pinatas for every party all year long, and it was SO FUN. So of course I am having way too much fun with it. In fact, instead of just the one, I decided to make three! They are drying in the backyard right now. Reminds me of my childhood... ah, memories. Lol.